such is life

I don't want to do an of this anymore. I want none of it. I want to go back to the hospital, and stay there forever.
really though? it's not the same, maybe not as bad...different though. worse in different ways, better in some. but I want to go back, now. 

 The best thing I've ever done in my life is saving people's lives with nothingbutnets.net. I think that's the best thing. If three people are alive because of me, I'd say that's a good life accomplishment, wouldn't you?

oh how I hate parties.
I mean when they're with a bunch of underage people who don't drink or get high, they're fun. the kind with giggling and games like Quelf and the Land of the Farm (it's a board game, look it up and thank me later). I like those.
but adult parties...I mean, I'm trying to be a good sport and let my mom violently shake me with her nails scratching me (it's not like it's abuse or anything, she's just weird like that. she does it usually anyways, just not violently and without the nails) and repeat things three times when my dad is a little too drunk to listen, but...

I hate being the only sober one at parties.

it's not that I want to drink. one, I'm straightedge, two, I have an intense hatred for alcohol, and three, I'm not of legal drinking age anyways. I just wish that no one else would drink. sometimes it's okay. but my dad's not supposed to drink at all because we all know what path that leads to, and my mom is okay with one but...I don't know how many she had tonight, but it was too much. thank goodness she doesn't have to drive anywhere. my aunt...well I don't even know if she drank anything tonight, but she drinks almost every night anyways and usually only one glass of champagne anyways; it's so normal for her that whenever she drinks her personality doesn't change. the only sober ones are the kids, me, and Nora, my brother's friend's mom. she's been drinking coffee or something all night, which yeah it's a little weird but I'll take caffeine over alcohol.

I hate alcohol. I hate the way it smells, what it does to people. and no, no drunken man has ever abused me to make me this way. it's just common sense. why do something that changes who you are? and it does. it changes your personality---and it KILLS people.

why?

http://www.stopglobalwarming.org/

I know it seems like a small thing to do in the grand scheme of things, but if anyone reads my blog-things, please.

what is her problem?
fergilicious. that word is just dirty. I mean, she gets her own word? 
correct me if I'm wrong, but that entire song is about how awesome and sexy she is. apparently, no one else is as good or pretty as her, and all the men like her. 
but no, she's not arrogant. not at all.
gosh, it just makes me so SICK. 
WHY did a record company put this horrible awful dreadful disgusting noise on a compact disc to be sold to the public? it's not music! sure, it might sound like it, I know, but talking about how wonderful you are doesn't count as art. that's what mirrors and digital camera's and myspace picture pages are for. 
and I know, everyone is allowed to like what they want and listen to what they want. and I shouldn't judge. but why on earth listen to that? does everyone like fergie that much? is she a god, some sex god to worship? 
okay. so there are options. if you like the song, you either 1) worship fergie like the sexy perfect delicious wonderful goddess that she claims to be, 2) can relate to the song, 3) feel that the song is a good dance tune despite the horrible words, or 4) don't really like the song but don't want to stick out. 
so you number ones: buy a poster and stare at it until you get too hungry to stay in front of it anymore. then never look or listen to fergie again unless forced to. I mean, come on, why? are you a sex driven animal or do you want to be like her, or what? please explain this to me, because I don't understand how you can want to hear about how awesome someone else is in traits that don't [or realistically, shouldn't] matter in this world.
twos. you must realize that all human beings are equal. we are supposed to be that way. being pretty and awesome and "delicious" [why fergie, why?] shouldn't matter here. [I say shouldn't because the human world is so messed up that it does. and I'm the crazy one?]. so go shave your head and wear baggy clothes and realize that you will still be the same person afterwards.
threes? it's something I've done before, but it's so bad. it's sacrificing meaning and worth for something to pop to. if we do that, we are losing ourselves. and you know what?  ourselves = all we have. dance to a wordless tune, or something that has art and true beauty in it.
four? just stop. it sucks so bad to feel like you're all alone in something, but if you don't stand up for anything, hell, your leg muscles will get too weak and eventually you'll never be able to use them again. without rigorous aggressive painful physical therapy, of course.
why else can a person like this song? tell me. I mean sure, you could like it a little bit, but then you fall in the category with the fours. and maybe you like it but just don't agree with everything fergie says, then you go with the threes. and I know, I'm being mean. I hate being mean, I never try to, and I wish I weren't. but I'm not going to change this. this is how I feel. and a hundred thousand million BILLION people can disagree with me, it's not going to change what I think. and I wish people wouldn't listen to these things, because you know what? this is an example of how ugly society is. and in these days, in this society, do you know what we do? we build our lives to make us unhappy. not intentionally, of course, but we do. all the models we see on television, all the mannequins we see in the stores, they all make us feel horrible about ourselves, no matter how healthy we are. why do you think we have annorexia, deppression, suicides--so many suicides. this is painful to me. months ago, I thought I couldn't feel anger. but now I feel so much of it, and it doesn't make me want to argue with someone or hurt someone. it's painful for me, it hurts me. it hurts me so much that society is so messed up with priorities and proportions and measurements and "the perfect image"--what every human should look like. and whether they recognize it or not, it hurts everyone else too.
why keep hurting ourselves like this? it doesn't make any sense.

and so begins my rant:

I wasn't really alive when there were those nice phones with the spin dial, the ones that didn't ring that much, and when they did ring you answered it because you didn't know who it could be. now we have caller ID and cell phones (and texting!). I strongly dislike it. I mean sure, I have a cell phone--they are quite handy in this day and age. but I would rather that we would live in a world where they weren't needed, where having them would be more of hassle than a help. I'm sure there are some people in the world that don't have cell phones because they don't want them, and I just want to say, I admire you. I admire you if you're from another time and you realize that they're unnecessary and rediculous and just another warped part of society, but I especially admire you if you're young, from this generation, and you haven't given in to all of this and don't need one. I wish I knew how to do that.
I just think it's rediculous, you know? this is one of the things that makes me want to go and live in a house without television in alaska or washington or oregon or another country with no cell phone and a computer only for research and news and maybe email but not much. or even no email, just phone. but it's made the world so impersonal, don't you think? well I don't know if you do. I do. and there are people who prefer to talk in person, if possible, and if not then only on the phone, but there are so few. now we have cell phones where we can call people whenever just to say "hi, what's up?" such short conversations! it drives me mad! are they even important? it belittles the importance of talking to one another. and texting is even worse! it's terrible. I hate it. I hate it so much. 
and with digital cameras!? my dad has one, and it's convenient, and it's fancy, but do you know how many pictures we have stored on our computer? so many unimportant pictures that we took because we thought it'd be fun. simple. and because of this, they're not important to us anymore. I miss the camera's where you had to buy film and take them to be developed, and then you keep the pictures and nostalgically thumb through them later, with some that you like so much that you frame them and put them where you can look at them all of the time.
ugh! where are those days!? where did they go!? I miss them. 
seriously, as soon as graduation day comes, I'm gone.
I hate it so much.

gosh. I hate that I love twilight just like any other teen (book, by the way, not time of day). I don't want to be what everyone else is. if bad, mean people like it and I do too, does that put us in the same category? I just feel like twilight is special to me, you know? back during the days when I was so depressed (clinically, not the depressed that lots of people think they are) that I had to escape from life, I lived in those books. they were my life. I didn't want to be me anymore, or be in the world that I'm in, because in that world, it was like life had a meaning, and in mine it didn't. and even in remission, I still feel the way I did then about them. when I think about them and read them, I still wish that was my life. cowardly? yes. and it would be less weird if it were something I made up instead of some random woman that I don't even know, but regardless the effect is the same. 
ugh, I sound so cliche! so teenagerish, so very like the person I'm trying to avoid being! I know I must sound selfish, because I want to keep it all to myself, but...what do I do? utter confusion. and I hate talking to other people about it. when I talk to them, sure, they know the books as well as I do, but they don't get it. it's not theirs. it's so special to me! I'm so selfish!
but isn't it what everyone wants? someone who loves you so much that they put you before them, and for you to love them back so that you put them in front of yourself? in twilight, bella goes willingly to her own death so that no one, especially edward, will be harmed. in new moon, she jumps off a cliff into the ocean just to hear his voice, and when she starts to realize that the current is too strong for her to survive, she's okay with it. and edward, of course edward, when he hears about her risking her life to hear his voice...that scene is so beautiful to me! I want it! I want to punch myself, but I want it, I do! he is so upset at this that he...I can't describe it fully or eloquently enough. it makes me cry though. pathetic? of course. but no such person exists, because stephenie meyer took the good parts of so many people and put them together to make an impossibly perfect creature--and that's without saying that he's a vampire with flawless physical features! I hate it! and so I wish for these things that don't exist, and recieve endless disappointment. and although there's a part of me that everyone has that wishes someone else in this world feels the exact same way, I hope no one does. because it is mine. I want it to be.
in remission? not when it comes to this.

well I have a livejournal so that I may rant freely about modern times without conveying to people I actually know how very frustrated and unhappy with life I am. so. I don't know what I will talk about, or when, or even sometimes why, or even if I will make sense at times, but I will type away.

up until recently I had been very pleased with the weather change, which went from nasty, humid hot to chilly, windy, and rainy, with very little sun. that's the weather I prefer above all others, you see, and I'm not sure I can put into words how much I actually loathe the heat of southern california. when 18 comes, I am off to Northern Elsewhere in search of a lifestyle that suits me as well as weather that won't drive me crazy.
it wouldn't even be so bad if it was like Bakersfield (some relatives of mine live there), which is very hot most of the time. the difference is, though, that it is not humid in Bakersfield, just hot, and therefore very tolerable and pirspirationless. here it is not so. and yes, the ocean is within bike-riding distance (it will be a very very long bike ride but still possible) but I don't like the beach. I don't, I don't, I don't. no, I really do not enjoy swimming anymore as I once did. but I remember when I loved milk before, too. ew. the only place I think about swimming anymore is in freshwater lakes, like lake tahoe. it is cold but beautiful and clear, and you can open your eyes and not worry about chlorine or salt (but do watch your toes, there are crawdads). 
anywho (my mom doesn't like when I say that, seeing as it's not a real word), the weather changed from friday to now. indeed, it's sunny and warm. I don't mind sunny, and I don't mind warm, but it is showing what will come, and they're predicting a scorching summer. I quite dislike this. 
so as I've told countless people before, I will move to alaska and get three huskies. I'm not really sure I will, but I would like to go to alaska and see if I would like to live there, and I do want to get huskies if I do move there. one will be lonely, two will be nice but not enough. three will be perfect, but four will be too much. so three. 

and that concludes my first rant slash post thing. I was going to write about scrubs, and about the people who will be reading this, but I have to go put together some furniture, so perhaps that would be best saved for another time.

cheers.
 

 I read. I will read all morning and then past noon into the afternoon, until I am forced to do something purposeful, which I will do if and only if I have finished my book. And then, when forced to do something purposeful, I will slip into my room, grab the next book in the Series of unfortunate events, and I will read it in the bathroom or while I "take a break" because I've worked just too hard today. And so I spend most of my day with Violet, Sunny and Klaus as they go through the extremely unfortunate and despairing events of their lives...